The Fruit of the Spirit
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. – Galatians 5:22-23 ESV
The fruit that we bear ought to demonstrate to the world that we are in, but not of, the world and that we are living differently than those who are in, and are still of, the world…
I suppose that when I originally intended to write about this topic many months ago, I intended to pinpoint areas of my life which I felt I needed to work on in order to be a better person and be transformed… or perhaps to try to identify what a fruitful life might look like…
At the time, I considered myself to be growing and yielding some kind of good fruit…
Today, if one were to consider the various areas of the Fruit of the Spirit in my life, I’d regretfully report that rather than a growing organism, I’d more likely resemble a decaying compartmentalized tank with holes from which the contents of each cell were quickly leaking out without replenishment…
I wonder what happens when all the tanks go down to zero. Do I go kaput and cease to function? I don’t think I want to know…
A Fork in the Road
Life is interesting.
Nobody said it was ever going to be easy.
In fact, Christian life is supposed to be exactly the opposite, right?
Life in a world that opposes its Creator. One in which we must choose to either run after God with our whole hearts… or run away. Because really, what else can we do?
And so, I feel like I’ve come to this fork in the road of my life, yet again (except this time, it seems a lot worse)…
One path leads to death and destruction. It’s quite wide and easy. There are many other people going down this path. And we can all merrily go down it together.
The other path is narrower. It’s much more difficult. Sometimes, it feels as if it might’ve been better to have not even started. There are trials. At times, it may be a lonely road as it seems that there are few following the path.
I think I’ve been standing at this fork for too long…
And it might be time to make a decision.
I keep reflecting… keep trying to pull myself out of my current state… And I’m finding that I’m failing.
If one were to plot my spiritual walk along the narrow road over the past 5 years, it might look something like this:
Of course, there were peaks and troughs. Times when I was being nourished and growing tremendously. Other times when I languished and felt as if I were slipping backwards a few steps (but just a few steps before promptly recovering). But even in the darkest of times in the past, I’d always cling to His word and things often seemed to rebound within the span of a few days or even hours…
Yet somehow, over the past few months, something went dreadfully wrong. On the outside, I managed to appear to be okay. While on the inside, I began a rapid downward plunge to the lowest of lows that I’ve experienced to date. And I guess I’ve been dithering in this mess for too long…
So I saw this sign not too long ago while out wandering (actually, both my excursions were partially brought on by my brooding)…
Yet, sometimes, it’s so hard even to just smile… even a feigned one.
And when it rained that afternoon, I wanted to yell at God. Actually, maybe I just wanted to defy Him. And so I did (or tried to anyway). As the rain poured down, I kept on marching on while getting drenched (maybe that’s why I was sniffling for a few days. I love being an intelligent human being.). But who am I to defy Him? Really? What right do I have or claim do I have against my very Creator? Why is my memory so easily clouded and my mind distracted by the circumstances of today while the countless moments of His faithfulness seem so distant and faint?
When the sky finally cleared… as I was walking along… I noticed…
Even a puddle on the ground… it reflects the light from above… and I couldn’t help but be reminded of my senior year family group… da Faithful Reflections Of Grace. It was truly a year of both struggles and joys… but altogether tremendous growth.
What happened to me? Can I not even be like a mere puddle to faithfully reflect the grace that God has shown me?
And yet, I could not.
AsI kept walking, I saw yet another sign…
And, it was back to the basics. READ GOD’S WORD DAILY! How can I expect to be living a so-called Christian life if I’m starving myself spiritually on a day-to-day basis?
I’m not sure. I don’t think it’s possible.
And thus, the fork in the road. To turn back and run back? Or to turn away, and keep running. But it’s not so black and white…
And then…
The Statue of Liberty being bathed in rays of light in the distance…
It was a tad bit overwhelming.
I don’t usually think Oh, that’s a sign and what not (well, not that often)… but throughout the day, I kept feeling that God was trying to tell me something.
Yes. I have freedom. He gave me that. He died for that. And as another Easter season has come and gone, I am yet again reminded that I should be joyous and cling to the freedom He bought for me.
But what is this freedom? Is it a freedom to do whatever I wish, whenever I wish and however I wish? I think not. It’s more a freedom that allows me to escape from the drudgery of this world to be embraced by His light…
And I think the final message was this…
No matter how tough I think I am… I just am not.
I can’t do this alone. I’m tired of doing this alone. I need to crawl back into His arms… yet why is it so hard? Do I even dare? Or shall I find myself fading back into the obscurity of the masses on the wrong road?
Just a bit over a year ago… I said of my upcoming years in NYC…
“Phase III, Moses & 40 years in the Wilderness: After the period of exile, God brings His people out of slavery and leads them back towards the Promised Land. But, they wander in the Wilderness for 40 years… which I’ll say will be the next however-many years beginning in New York.”
Perhaps I brought it all upon myself.
I don’t really know.
I’ve spent weeks trying to determine the next steps.
Winter is fading and spring is here. I think it’s time to start fresh. Wipe the slate clean. Make a new beginning. I’m not sure what exactly that means for me right now… but I don’t think it’s going to be clean or even easy. I’m severely torn. I’ve shared with a small handful of those who’ve bothered to pry… that I’m caught in a rather difficult place. To start fresh. What can I do? Where can I go?